[ 2005-01-31 ]
[1:15 p.m.]
It's hard to stand by and watch your friend emotionally spiral downward and not being able to stop it from happening. It's a helpless feeling, and it's what I've been feeling for a couple of months now. This weekend, I guess it all came to a head and today things are being decided. But let me back up just a bit...
She's has been teetering on the edge for quite some time. I've told her in the past that she really should look into getting therapy. I've been there to listen, to support, to cheer up, to commiserate with and to just try to give advice. It was wearing *me* out and my therapist told me (before Christmas) that I needed to set boundaries because it wasn't my job to take care of her or to try to save her. Logically, of course, this is true. However, when it comes to my friends, I try to be there for them. I haven't seen her since before Christmas. I had hoped that time away from the city would be cleansing and allow her some clarity to be able to look at the situation and realize that admitting you need help is not a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, it didn't help. Things got worse, and she became more and more irrational and hysterical about everything. And I do mean everything. A mutual friend spent some time with her this weekend and discovered how much she's been hiding. She is barely sleeping, maybe an hour a night if that. Her apartment is beyond not clean. She's not been doing any work for the past few weeks. Sure, she goes in, but is just going through the motions. She started not answering outside emails or phone calls because she is afraid she is being monitored. (Sure sign of sleep depravation-total paranoia)
A friend of hers from upstate came to spend the weekend with her and saw the state of things. K. called her father who advised her to get my friend into a hospital. They admitted her, and gave her a sleeping pill. They discharged her to K., who took her back to her apartment and then our mutual friend spent time with the two of them this weekend.The doctor only gave her a small supply of sleeping pills (which K. is in charge of) so that she would make a follow up appointment this week to actually see the doctor. She kept saying that she had mandatory training she had to go to at work and couldn't make the appointment and the two girls kept telling her that she had to go, that training is always able to be rescheduled. They all talked about the situation, and she was urged to go resign from her job so that she doesn't get fired. Of course she feels as though they will sue her for quitting (again, irrational)and was saying that she was planning on going to work today.
K. and my other friend urged her to call her mom yesterday and her mom is now here-she couldn't get on a flight out last night and was on the first flight out here this morning. I have a feeling that what the next step will be is going through her things, packing her up, and moving her out of New York. Be it for a month, six months, a year...she really needs to take care of herself and she can't do that if she's trying to keep up this facade. It's just too difficult. I know that she loves New York, and I'm sure this is not the easiest for her. I don't throw around "you need therapy/drugs/hospitalization" around about just anyone. It's not a fun situation. I've been there, (and I love my therapist!)and I just want my friend to get better. I wish they would put her back in a hospital where they can monitor her, though.
I feel horribly guilty that I was not there to see all of this though. I took a step back, because I thought I just couldn't deal with her anymore, and then she just completely went off the deep end. I suppose it was inevitable...it would have happened sooner or later if I had been there...I'm glad she is getting the help that she needs, finally. But there's the part of me that wants to take care of everyone that feels like such an ass because I wasn't being a good enough friend and I wasn't there for this part. I'm not even supposed to know any of this--I was just supposed to know that she's in a very, very bad place right now emotionally. I'm really worried, but if I call her now, she'll now I know. I'm sure when she is ready to talk to me about it, she will.